These are a sample of the thought-experiences that emerged following my immersion in contemplation and meditation, occurring between 1975 and 1986.
(Of a total of c.500 of these thought-experiences 100 will be posted here; the remaining will be available in ebook format shortly)
Meditation is a series of scales, and as PhD researchers admit the process must be undertaken with strict discipline, mentoring and supervision. The experiences are only achieved via adherence to a guide, and one guide only. That guide, from the illuminator stratum, is responsible for your progress for lifetimes. And human lifetimes are neither sequential nor regimented – once again, another example of contradiction, confusion and complexity at work. Thus, my deep interest and attachment to this layer of consciousness.
Shared below are abridged diary entries
~ 1 ~
My whole Being is you. You, the life, is light, the light I call love. The very love I at times forget. Then, passage of events jolt me back to my ministry. My focus becomes you again. Thus, my tapasya, to pen my attachment about you. To dovetail my oneness through thoughts and conversations with you. However, you know everything, everything about me, because I am you, and you are me. Yet, I still feel compelled to write our communication. I even accept this communication would seem arid dry and desert-like to you, but nevertheless, it is all I have at the moment. And the moment is fleeting lest I pen down our communication; for otherwise it will evaporate in ether like all my previous communication in all my countless separation from you. Even so, I wish to follow my desire to pen my communication, and your reasoning to the queries I attend for your consideration. Of course, all of this will seem childish and foolish, but till then allow me, indulge me my folly, until I become you, and you remain you, and I see no distinction between the I in me or the I in you. Until then, many an action I may conduct as if separate from you, but they are only that because it is I who has taken my eye away from you. And then the realisation, the indefinable uncomforted awakens, and my inner sense crucifies my thought, mocks my unkempt behaviour, and I moan my shallowness that drifted me away from you.
~ 2 ~
You, the light, the source that sustains life, you the divine love, remain my constant focus. I summon all physical peace within to seek your love, thy royal essence, the master and mistress of my thoughts, heart and karma, and make me thy passive obedient unassuming vehicle, thy sevadar, thy servant.
~ 3 ~
You are a constant. A consciousness. A myriad thoughts. All my thoughts merge into thee. Your presence is constant unalterable and permanent. You are peace. However, I recognise this connection is ephemeral, and precariously established, simply because I am so far from being one with you, even here the I in me evaporates leaving no trace of me, where only you reign and exist as you and none other…until then I have to use I in recognition that I am still apart from you. And the ‘I’ I still use is a restricted notion expressing thoughts, ideas, and communion with you. Yet, no matter how often or sincerely I demonstrate my desire, my oneness, with you, I know that I am as far from you as it is possible to be. I am like a grain of sand buried beneath, under the mass in the darkness, yet I sense that the sun shines, the tide ebbs and the moon lights the sky, but all that I know is because I sense, yet I remain buried to the visible universe. And in my catacomb, I meditate upon a meeting with you, the you within that would release my bondage to the physical. Like a lovelorn love, I too await my love. My love is you.
~ 4 ~
I am a song to your tune resonating within, and my consciousness sways having almost lost the heavy physical me and merged with the light you. A silhouette, a flaw, a passing dimness marvels me at my own opaqueness in comparison to you. You, the love, the fashionable transparency, and I the clear diamond. Yet I seem flawed impure limited, while you are something more. Something more than the transparency, a presence, yet all I ever do is sense you, and I sense you everywhere, here and everywhere. You are power, yet your power is calm and unassuming, neither threatening, nor protective. You are. And that is all. You simply are. You are the song. The song that dispels the darkness within me and your song is also within me. Thus my confusion. How can the two reside in one being, the confusion and you. So who is this confusion? And why is not your song cleansing the confusion as it cleanses me time to time?
~ 5 ~
Be it the day or the night, the toil of labour, the breathing, the never ending ritual of daily activity, just to remain occupied, or the days I spend engrossed in your imagery and idealism. Tell me, what of all this meditation? What of all this contemplation? What of all this dialogue with you? The you within me. The within, that is light, as it is dark. The within which is clear and dumbfounded simultaneously. The impasse at times clear, and then unfathomable. The inner activity integrates with my outer world, and then suspends me in a fast flowing river of endless thoughts. To a dark depth beyond my reach. A drowning guaranteed. Yet somehow I still survive, and I know not how, or even why. The duality, the concerns, the softness, the harshness. A conversation, many a times one way, where no answers come forth, comfort nor support. Yet, in all of this, I know I am alone but never for a moment. For you are I and I am you. And in my misery, all I see is my misery, but that I only recognise because it is you watching my misery, and allowing me to watch it too. If not for you, how would I recognise the misery for what it is? For, without you, misery would be a delicate delirious delicacy and I would be wrapped in that, instead of you.
~ 6 ~
A thought, an idea, a mind venture encouraged by external stimulation, an outside world remote from your I within me, thus not of you. I refuse to accept I am in true communion with you. The light within observes the darkness with which I get embroiled, the disorder, the limitation of the material attachment, however the I in me maintains constant vigil of the light that is the I within me, integral, the beacon, the classic trail. I beseech the light within to maintain me in thy constant, in thy reign, where through peace, become calm, and avtar can become one with you.
~ 7 ~
I experienced once again in surrendering to you, how the unknown becomes the known. The potency of an inert mind, a thought free arena engulfed by your illumination, your expression otherwise confusing and contradictory, all seem accurate and correct. I hear the soundless voice You. Unable to replicate the same, I merge and absorb your guidance, the limitless of which I refuse to examine. I know from I, I am everything I need to know concludes avtar. This perfect matter unswayed, constant and tranquil in poise.
~ 8 ~
In thy constant tranquil poise, all is are you. The unfathomable remains as you, however, we in our anxiety to merge attach surrender create the invisible barrier keeping away from you. If only we trusted you, agrees avtar, and not our own focused aggression saturated seeking, then we find you in ourselves: as around, in all we sense and perceive. Surrender, remains the key beyond meditation or contemplation. The nothing-less, the meaningless, the valueless: the key to you.
~ 9 ~
Leaf blows carried by the wind. Aromatic fragrance pulls me leaf-like seeking your presence where sense is suspended and your excellence radiating zone, comfort, protection, peace, calmness; extinguishing, clamour, haste, and irritability: remaining merged in the vastness, where at times I, avtar, become you.
~ 10 ~
I, so blessed, and once again you allow mergence with you. This humble mortal coil, a limited spoiler, blind unless you merge into its existence, recognises you the doer. The mortal coil transforms through each meeting. The light becoming increasingly gossamer, refine, an attraction, an emergence once entered never to return as the current soiled mortal coil I be at this very moment. Concedes avtar, all limitations, all thoughts, all minds, all impressions of an individual-self vanish, the further I am allowed travel to the inner core.
~ 11 ~
The barriers, now I sense are unlimited. Each one vanishes, to be replaced by another. An ongoing uncovering of a mesh, that invisible wall. The removal of each illuminates, breathes freshness, unaccounted in the mortal world. Lifetimes of grime, a collections of mortal attachments awaiting disrobing, where on each occasion I stand naked as a new born babe, unaware of the nakedness, that, upon growing would be a constant imposition by those who are blind to their own ignorance, in the world of mortality. Where, fist pounders dictate nakedness an abhorrent to godliness creator. O, human, asks avtar, how did you fall so far from grace, where ignorance god supplication teaches a path away from the factual truth?
~ 12 ~
I sway in tune with thy sound, the music within. Music, into words pearl a thread of thoughts. The thoughts speak to my heart, and then my body. O body, remember you are not alone. I am with you at all times. Each organ aspiring to meet me, however, held back by its own fear. Each cell resonates to my presence, but knows not where to locate. Wallowing in veiled ignorance, the organs impress the mind the futility of meeting the light within. The very light without which the body ceases to exist. Yet, ignorance deems the light non-essential, and dismisses the search. Thus, O avtar, a truth of this dark age.
~ 13 ~
The unstruck melody resonates its presence never for I to miss. The transparent light, states avtar, into which the resonance merges, and together aid the journey to the unseen source, the maiea: thus, the trinity, Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva, worshipped by Hindus, as figure-head-Gods. However, I sense you beyond the trinity, a truth beyond words. A reality beyond comprehension. An authenticity my senses unable to explore. A totality unmeasurable. A boundary without limits. The Akal. A world in which I am known: a world which remains unfathomable to me.
~ 14 ~
O Akal, my consciousness searches my psyche, seeking union with you. I know you are here, with me, and because of you I exist. I intuitively know I am your materialisation. For, it is you who supports me in my hour of joy, and despair. You are everywhere, and many search you, pinpointing your location, as if you are a pin-dot, not realising that all of this is you. Where, what is good to one is bad to another. But these are corporal beings survivalists limitations. Just as death could not exist, but for you, life cannot exist, but for you. You, avtar accepts, are both life and death, as we mortals see the drama. Your drama. We, actors, on your stage. Even so, my consciousness seeks you in my psyche, believing it will find communion with thee there.
~ 15 ~
In my vain endeavours to attune your presence, I acknowledge the path of least effort secures better quicker communion. But try as might at times the reason for opening fully all my senses are thawed by the external stimulations of a bygone incident still resting in my mind, encouraging thoughts of glee self-satisfaction or painful reprisals. Endlessly I mantra repeat, accept defencelessness, be trusting like a new-born babe, however, society ritualisation brain washing makes my ventures towards you all but meaningless. For, I too at times colour you in my hue, my preferences. My limitations ignoring it is you who created matter, and matter coagulated to create the universe, and the universe created me. O avtar, illusions of grandeur weave a veil, whence unfussiness should be the key.
~ 16 ~
O creator, thankyou for allowing this experience where I cease seamlessly, merging into the surroundings, the surroundings is you, as experienced by your avtar
~ 17 ~
In that ceaseless merger I am detached, separated, insulated from the gross. The subtle registers not even me. I am you. And, here is neither peace, serenity nor calmness. Here is just you, but even you are not you. Here is just here. Nothing more, and nothing less. Here is neither silence nor noise. Here is neither life nor death. Here is here, and nothing else, but just here. And where is here? It is everywhere. Because it is, matter is, because it is, maiea is, because it is, the unseen light is, because it is, the unstruck melody is…because it is. Here, I have neither a heart, mind or will. Here I do not even have I. Here, I am, but I am you. Here, I am not even an awareness. I am nothing. It is only when I return from communion I register what was, to what I am now. But, there, when I am in the here, I do not exist. I am not separate. I am not even one with someone. I just am. And that am is you, my dear creator. I come back from thee, yet my heart is not filled with goodness. It is filled, but filled with next higher resonance to calmness. I know not how to describe, but it is beyond calmness, stillness, nothingness: for it is something, except words are insufficient to describe what it is, but it is. In humbleness avtar repeats, it always is. Whatever it is. It simply is.
~ 18 ~
Throughout ages, men in particular, have tried to engage with thee O creator. If only it was that simple. They fail to realise the rudimentary requirement – surrender – and not opinion is the path, the gateway, the portal into where? Into themselves. They feign selflessness, but deeply remain entrenched to their ego, their desire for importance, in becoming the leading light. Many desire to communicate with thee in order to save humanity, and even mother earth. Each desirous of becoming a saviour, the one whom the rest will worship: while feigning selflessness, accepting plaudits, amassing wealth, and governmental responsibility. The saviour would become a cog, a merchandise, a factory printing money. Building edifices deeming them important to teach, guide and improve the masses. In attaining all of this they fail to realise all they have accomplished is complete a circle, and enmeshed themselves into the very symmetry from whence they sought the initial escape. Even this O creator, maintains avtar, is your doing, your bidding, your muse. And I know not the why.
~ 19 ~
O creator save me from the inflated importance of becoming an instrument who gives warmth, has answers to all queries, whence to meet you, or how to reach you. For I recognise the ill, the unhealthy, unhappy are you in a play, which, only you know the why and wherefore. Allow me the simplicity of becoming a note, a note unable to connect to your embellishment, the embellishment of your play. I am not you. I, avtar, am still your muse, your creation, your puppet.
~ 20 ~
To those who claim a union with thee gives happiness, joy, peace: the ability to become infinite and eternal, to escape reason, limitations and creation. To patronise you and claim fear, suffering, ignorance would dissipate: announce they have not reached you, O creator, not even once. For, these conditions, is duality. The very duality they wish to escape, but still deem important, to have it function wherever they wish to reside, having used you as a vehicle to their own limited awareness. For, where you are, duality non-duality do not exist, and that is where I wish to be. My wish is to be you. One with you. Where I do not exist. Something exists, but it is not I, not this avtar. However, where I exist, duality exist. Duality is my substance, my projection, and mine alone.
~ 21 ~
Your presence, without imposition. Inspiring, serene, benevolence. Your wafted presence unalienable, cute, chaste through and through, a crystalline whisper in concord, performance arresting, conflicting ideas, mushrooming ignorance as if pure. Woman know the truth, but men,O avtar, arrogantly marvel their own limitation, deeming them true
~ 22 ~
Non-reaction, the key to your door, where in the cavity housing the heart and lungs you reside, your light to the right, once immersed, pure tender atman meets the ignorance of he soul: where supreme nothingness exists, attests avtar, bounded by Akal.
~ 23 ~
Before the veils evaporated off my inner senses, I whispered in the silence of my thoughts written words of prayer. Now at times upon entering silence, and remaining focused-less, I hear another whisper, a sound, a song. In search of which I have travelled deep into myself. deep into each cell. Deep into the space of each cell. Yet I found the source there not. I then changed direction and searched the cosmos looking for the source. I found it there not.The sound, the melody, the sweetness mesmerising, I accept exists everywhere, and I know not its source. Is this encounter, one of many, where you reveal yourself as music, and then, whatever else you decide my next stage to be? Or am I missing the point? The essence of being immersed in the sound fills my physical being with ‘life’. Is this pran, the energy sustaining life-existance-force? No, I have no idea, and I am not chasing another thought. O avtar, surrender and accept whenever the creator deems you ready will open the awakening as has been done this one time too.
~ 24 ~
I attend prayers of worship surrounded by devout singing meditating thy name. Each announces how much good they will conduct over the coming seven days. I listen and wonder if in doing good they were not spending time not defeating the wrong within. Why do praying humans deem doing a good brings them closer to thee? Have they not realised that you are the doer of both good and bad? That in you neither exists as a separates, but are activities, an action and reaction. A pot of milk on boil rises to towards the top. Upon meeting a cooler surface it moves higher not. When the area becomes equal hot, the milk moves further higher, till it flows over. O creator, is good and bad not too dissimilar to this? Or once again have I missed the point? O avtar, stop following others in doing good. Just be thoughtful in each encounter. Deal as you would like them to deal with you. Be kind and considerate in all deeds. Good and bad is not for you to decide, not as yet anyway.
~ 25 ~
O, creator, I am immersed once again in you. Your essence fills each void in my physical being. That space holding the cells integrity resonates with thy name, thy sound, thy essence. You are, thus I am able to sense your presence. Thy warmth is noted by my surroundings. They lift their heads, look in my direction and know not why they react. It is, O avtar, not, that they sense the creator-music in your physical presence?
~ 26 ~
The earth is rotating its face away from the light of the sun. Evening is descending. I am slowing down, unwinding the days toil, and begin to register thy presence, thy sound around me. Thy aroma, thy fragrance, thy delicate scent becoming stronger. I breathe in your essence, and occasionally ask if someone has lit an agarbatti. They shake a unison ‘no’. Thus, I know, it is you, and I am immersed once again in you. O avtar, attach your attention to the experience, and go about your evening chores.
~ 27 ~
O creator, thou are everywhere. At times as my thoughts become vague and meander into passive. Slowly ebb out. I exist everywhere. Then a realisation, O avtar, it is not you who is everywhere, but the creator you are in tune with. At times words are insufficient to describe the oneness of this presence and experience.
~ 28 ~
O creator, corporal life is mundane, limited and full of inadequacies. Trap of duality: should I ride two horses running in opposite direction? Should I increase my detachment from your very creation of coagulated matter? In one I remain I, and in the other I become you. O avtar, choices, forever, choices. For, if I chose you then what of the ones whom I love and belong to? What of them? Where will they go and suffer, while I merge in you? Will I communicate, guide them into you? On one side you, and on the other side you in their shape. What am I to do?
~ 29 ~
Chakras mislead. Head is not the heart. The heart is not the heart. There exists a second heart. The second heart in which you reside. Emotionally I wish to relinquish everything around me. Hopefully my material family will denounce me sooner, rather than later. How I wish I knew a shortcut, and become useless to them. I am in mourning, yet surrounded by family, a devout father, a man to whom I am a gift. Nevertheless, I know where I belong, and by whose hands my daily meal prepared. But to be in her company, society will disown her and her family. Yet, it is she who is duty bound to teach, remould and guide me to your door. However, what of my father, to whom I am his entire existence? How do I not hurt him, and begin my journey? I cannot. So I remain in the poison prison pretending happiness, while dying from the ongoing separation with you. Even I need a teacher. She is that teacher. And without guidance I will waste away another lifetime separate from you. During a meaningless discussion she indicated the thousand lotus chakra is not a room with a view. Peer lower, thus, I found the second heart where you reside. O avtar, teachers like her are seldom, precious and rare, waste not your time in worldly niceties, but take the plunge. Just take the plunge.
~ 30 ~
In the slowness of learning how to surrender, occasionally I enter your domain. The stillness measured in fleeting moments ensures yet another attempt, another surrender. Thy stillness lights the darkness allowing sensation of worlds unknown hitherto. Am told I need to become a servant, however, I sense that station yet another distraction. They speak of sweetness; permanent silence. Yet, when I am you I do not register permanence nor silence. All I am becomes you. Upon returning and scribbling the experience, I too use words unfitting the experience, nevertheless, I too try to remould you to my earthly descriptions. O avtar, leave the foolish need to detail each experience, for you know you fail on each attempt.